It's 3:27 PM...

I just picked Natalie, Cubby, and Israel up from school. We're supposed to pick up Robert from football practice soon and then go to Lydia's flag football game, which will take about an hour in all. It's cold and drizzly outside, a nice change from the incessant 90° heat. I haven't been able to talk to Bear yet, since he's teaching his class. He'll be at Lydia's game to take stats, then everyone will be home afterwards. Yesterday was our 23rd wedding anniversary and we spent it with him getting a proctoscopy in the morning and an emergency MRI in the evening. Since he had to fast, we hit up a Sonic Drive-in for burgers and drinks after the MRI, then parked at South Carlsbad State Beach (where we camp as a family each summer) to eat and watch the waves. Luckily, we're lowkey, but until Sonic, it was still an overall odd way to spend our anniversary. I haven't wanted to be away from him since we heard the news and time spent together at yesterday's appointments combined with reminiscing, listening to our wedding favor CD's, looking at pics... It's just made today's news that much harder. 

My heart is broken. I think I've kind of denied there was a chance of imminent danger, knowing we had a great medical team and a good treatment plan in place. I'm just rambling. The kids are listening to "High School Musical" and singing and playing in the next room. And I just want to cry and pour my heart out to someone. It's hard not having anyone know because I feel so alone. I bit Cubby's head off at school pick-up because he was giving me sass and I snapped that I wasn't in the mood for it. My best friend, Mary, is his teacher and from the look on her face, my reaction startled her as well. I want to shout it all from the rooftops and yet I don't want anyone to know. I want to bury my head in the sand and not upset anyone else, but it's so hard to hide the details and appointments and EMOTIONS and additional chaos going on in my head. I should probably get a therapy appointment...? But I don't want to unpack all of that. This morning, I almost drove over to my parents' house, which is not a form of comfort I would ordinarily seek. I wish Bear was here to hold me. 

Oh, the whole reason I came back to write something was to make note of his TNM rating. 

• T (tumors) - 3 (0-4) - based on size, location, and extent of tumor
• N (nodes) - 2 (0-2) - indicates is the cancer has spread to lymph nodes
• M (metastasis) - 0 (0-1) - if it has spread to other organs

I mean, I'm grateful that the cancer hasn't spread to other organs, especially not his liver and lungs (which is oddly where this type of cancer spreads first). But that he's a 5/7 overall or a 5/6 excepting the "M"?! It's just...a lot. 

How do we tell people? Who do we tell? In what order? My poor babies. I wish we'd had this news when they were all here for the summer. I'm sick for Mal, Bonny, and E, who are so far away and will feel so alone and helpless. I lie in bed at night, trying to think of the best way to tell them. Bear was hoping to wait until we see them at Thanksgiving, but with how rapidly this has progressed, that's not going to work. I've considered calling Jenessa, Lydia Maughan, and Haleigh to be there with them (well, just on the line for Jenessa). I worry my girls would think that was intrusive, but I'm so worried about them. This way, they would have someone immediately there for them, they wouldn't have to repeat the news to explain why they needed to talk to someone, there would be another set of ears to catch details they might black out on when we tell them. It's just all so complicated. And then do we tell the kids at home in different groups? Like, Lydia, Robert, and Natalie would have more questions and need a greater level of detail than would Cubby and Israel. But how do we coordinate that? 

And then our parents. Bear's mom will just collapse from grief. She's already hurting so much right now from family chaos, but the trauma of losing her husband to cancer so young was bad enough... The mere thought of losing a child to it, too? And my dad has been so sick and so frail since his esophageal cancer diagnosis. He's still struggling to feel normal again, even three years post-diagnosis (not post-recovery or post-NED), has had constant health issues, and his mental health is so poor. My first thought was that I would have to tell him to buck up and move along, since I couldn't lose my dad AND my husband... But I worry this will send him into more of a spiral. Bear once said my dad had been his dad longer than his dad had been his dad... Follow that?! But really... Bear and my dad are so close and I worry about my dad's reaction. 

And then the siblings and friends and coworkers. It occurred to me I'd probably have to make some sort of formal announcement to the school staff, which sounds a little silly... But we've been there so long and we're so close to everyone there. I've been putting off the plans for teaching Logic Class and coaching Academic Decathlon, waiting to sort out a treatment schedule, but I'm sure everyone just thinks I'm even flakier now than ever before. 

I need to go parent. I just don't have anyone else to talk to and I am so broken-hearted right now. I even called to see if there were any appointments open to bump Bear's mapping up a day earlier. The lady on the phone, Yvette, was so tender with me, surely hearing and sensing how fragile I was. She said she would keep an eye and an ear out just for me and call if there were any cancellations, especially due to the weather. Did I already type that? I feel like I did. I need to close the computer and go be with my babies. My poor babies...