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I feel like half of my journal entry titles are along the lines of: "Time flies!" "Haven't written in a while!" "Where does the time go?!" But truly! I think of journaling probably every day, but am always so busy and distracted. Then, when I come here to post and see the last entry was October 25th... That's almost three weeks ago!!! What in the WHAT?! 

I am having a heavy cancer day today. I'm not sure I can adequately articulate why or if I even actually KNOW why... We are SO fortunate Bear has not yet experienced any side effects AT ALL! Last week, the doctors were literally SHOCKED he was still working. Dr. Lin even fake kind of falling/jumping out of his chair towards us, so you can imagine the reaction a week later! We know chemo and radiation can both take some time to build up, but to be on day 13 of treatment without even the slightest twinge of pain or nausea or irritation is nothing short of a miracle, especially with his DPD diagnosis. So, it feels like nothing should be hard right now and kind of like we should be happy and carefree and moving through life as usual.

But not unlike the whole "hidden illness" type of thing, there is SO MUCH happening right now that is unseen. The financial stress kicked in immediately. Who am I kidding?! We were already under massive financial stress anyway, so to be hit with cancer on top of that is crazy. We are so fortunate to have "good" insurance, but that comes at a hefty price tag on a good day, even without major incident or illness. We carry a large sum of debt, most of it medical, so this quickly felt overwhelming. We don't know what Bear's health or employability will look like in the future, but we can't afford to live off of what his disability payments would be. The plan was for me to go back to work, which has been sidelined for now. Every time I start looking for work again or we come up with a plan, the realities of managing a cancer diagnosis AND being responsible for a large family WITH such young children forces us to reassess. I am constantly paranoid people think I am lazy or unwilling to work, but the logistics are so much more complicated than outsiders might think.

There is the stress of the day-to-day within a cancer diagnosis and treatment, where my time and energy is spent making appointments, calling the insurance company, replying to emails from medical providers, tracking and shifting the schedule for Bear's care, driving to and from and attending the actual appointments, IN ADDITION TO regular everyday life for a happy and healthy and busy family. For example, today I had to pin down our college girls' timeline for possible Thanksgiving visits, make medical appointments for them*, call the insurance company for a teen driver's car accident, call the OTHER insurance company for the same accident, pay bills, update sports schedules, reply to group texts awaiting my response... I probably spend half of my busy time each day on hold with whatever office or company I am trying to contact and the other half reactively texting and emailing. It's a lot.

Immediate family relationships and dynamics, extended family relationships and dynamics, homework, grades, report cards, teacher conferences, class parties, field trips, dentist appointments, sports teams, end-of-season season parties, playoffs, scouts, church, callings, two dogs, a goat, reptiles, 483 cats, maintaining the house, maintaining the cars, doing laundry, THINKING of what to cook and then actually COOKING, replying to the many calls and texts we are SO VERY LUCKY to receive from people who care for us... It's just a lot.

It's just a lot. (In rereading my train of thought typing, I now see I have said *iT's A lOt*...a lot! But I'm leaving it in anyway, haha.) I think it's hard for the kids to properly wrap their heads around all that is happening in the parental world because Bear doesn't look or seem sick at all. Appointments happen while they are at school and so there is no outward evidence that anything is different in their lives except their mama suddenly being even more stressed out and chaotic than usual.

I am jealous Bear gets to go to work each day, have adult interaction, and be kept busy with other tasks. I sit in his diagnosis 24/7 and my brain spins itself up more than normal, especially when I am alone all day long. Not that I have anyone to talk to about it all anyway, but these are all things I wouldn't even dare to share with anyone because how ridiculously selfish do I sound?! Like, I am not the one with cancer! I am not the one whose daddy has cancer! I am a grown adult with coping mechanisms and resources and more! But it's still hard and it's still heavy and I still don't know how to navigate it all. Everything just feels heavy today.

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*To be clear, our kiddos are all incredibly independent and capable, even at a much younger age, so "the big girls" certainly can and DO make their own appointments. This was specifically a case of it being much easier for me to sort out the insurance and treatment plan at an office I was at the day before, ESPECIALLY during midterms. End paranoid rant here.